There are days when I just can't. When life feels too big and the demands are never ending. With a two year old at home, two kids in school, sports, work, work, work, work, volunteering, not being good at saying no. . . Sometimes, I want to climb in bed and never come out. The days of lying on the couch with a good book are few and far between. I listen to friend's talk about binge watching Netflix and wonder where they get the time? Maybe while they're folding laundry?I fold it in spurts, because that's how much time I have. Momentary spurts. 10 minutes here, 20 there. I wish it were because I'm very important. I'm simply busy. Most of the time I'm really okay with that. Until I get bogged under and my children start to act out because they haven't had enough of me. My daughter cried when I left the house Monday to teach at my Women's Group. She told me I always give to others and never to her. The reality of her statement is false. But, her perspective is true, and that is painful. It's been a thorn in my mind the last few days.
Somehow despite my best I am still failing.
It's whispers like this that make me want to run away, give up, or at least take some time to cry for a really long time. I am not enough.
I'm not big enough to fill the gaps in my children's lives. I'm not big enough to be all that my husband will ever need. I'm not big enough to say yes to everyone and still have some left for myself. Life is constant in its demands. It tells me I should be big enough. I should have it all together.
I've been grumpy as I've processed my lack. Frustrated that I am not doing a better job. Wondering where I should focus my attention.
Instead I realized, I need to rest more. I need to take a quiet moment and recharge my soul. I need to put on worship music and lie with my face on a pillow. Because, I am not enough and I was never meant to be. As I let go of the failure that punishes my heart and instead focus on what I am doing right, I can begin to have a little more grace. Grace that my best is enough. Grace that all the tasks will be accomplished. Grace that my children will enjoy and remember all of the time that I do give them. Grace that my husband will know that I adore him. Grace that it will all be okay. That showing up really is the first step. And grace that all of the me that is inside crying because it's not a perfect life, will realize a life that we show up in, is the best life of all.